Mama's Gotta Move: Real mamas don't judge

“My kids will never act like that. How embarrassing for that kid’s mom.”

“Just look at what they let him wear to school. I bet his parents don’t discipline him.”

“I heard both parents work full time. They probably don’t spend enough time teaching him right from wrong.”

Every one of these quotes makes me cringe. Every one of them could be directed toward me. And yet, I could have been the one to say them – maybe not aloud, but I’ll confess that I’ve judged other parents over the years.

The judging, the shaming, the superiority – it needs to stop.

My oldest son came into this world with fury. He was one of those babies who never slept, always cried and refuted the wisdom of every parenting book. When he would cry as an infant or throw tantrums as a toddler, I knew onlookers were judging me. But while I couldn’t control my baby, I could justify my son’s behavior: “He’s just a fussy baby, he’s going through the terrible twos, we’re working on that …”

And my audience nodded in understanding, or at least out of sympathy. Nature was still seen as the dominant factor in my son’s behavior, as nurture hadn’t had enough time to make an impression. I was given clearance, or at least an extension until my kid got a little older.

And then he got a little older. Here we are. My once difficult baby, with whom I’d followed every rule in the book, is now a difficult 5-year-old. He is not a mean kid or a violent kid, but he is a challenging one. Often, he is obstinate for the sake of being obstinate. Sometimes he acts like a little jerk.

And there is no good reason for it. He gets plenty of love, positive and negative reinforcement and consistent parenting. He eats healthy, gets fresh air, moves plenty, watches very little TV …

I’m learning not to blame myself. But I still find myself noticing the reactions of others. There is no nod of sympathy when your kids reach a certain age. There is an unspoken understanding that you, their mama, have made them into who they are.

“That’s silly,” you might say. “How do you know what people think of you?”

Sometimes it’s words, sometimes it’s a glance, but mostly it’s because I’ve done it. I’m guilty of judging.

When my oldest was 3, another preschooler scratched his face. One of my first thoughts: “What kind of parents does that kid have?!”

A week later, my son bit a girl.

The point is, your kids are not simply miniatures of you. They are unique little people who come into this world with a disposition and personality. You can influence them, but you cannot control who they are.

To the mama whose kid threw a tantrum at Target recently: I know it must be tough to have a kid who tests his limits. It’s so hard to know the best way to react – maybe you’re trying to teach him that bad behavior won’t get your attention, or maybe you’ve already had a rough day and you just want to calm the chaos. No worries, I’ve been there, too. Hang in there and have an extra glass of wine tonight.

To the mama whose son wore his pajamas to school: They say pick your battles, right? And really, I have no idea what your morning was like, so I can’t judge you for letting your kid be comfy. Keep fighting the good fight and focus on what matters.

To the mama whose kid hit mine on the playground: No hard feelings – I know you didn’t teach him to hit other kids. Or hit him. Or let him watch violent movies on HBO. You stepped in and told him to apologize, and that’s all I need to know about you as a parent. We’re in this together.

Mama’s Gotta Move: Real mamas don’t judge

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